mid-race joy

I learned something about joy this week. the other morning I was woken before my alarm literally feeling and sensing so much about my life and the status of things happening around me. has that ever happened to you? for just a few moments I felt so aware of my existence, of my weakness, of God’s existence and of His great grace toward me. I don’t even really know how to explain it except that I was humbled in such a gratitude inducing way. it wasn’t that at first, though. it seemed my thoughts traveled pretty quickly to a hopeless dark place before they were directed back under the comfort of God. it’s a pretty scary thing to realize that I am so small in the scale of the universe. I told mom that for a moment I felt so sad. I noticed my size and my lack of strength, I felt both the enduring length and the brevity of life on earth, and I feared the amount of effort it will take to keep participating in everyday life.

my thoughts didn’t wander for long, though.  the very person who woke me up reeled my heart back in and replied in truth to my short-sighted fears. yes, I am small and weak, but I was not made to muster up some sort of toughness from within. life is long and it is daunting when I focus on my exhaustion, but God does not always give us grace for three days from now or thirty years from now, but rather moment by moment when He knows we need it. and finally, yes, God requires much of those who fear Him. I am too overwhelmed when I think about all the hard decisions I have yet to make and times I’ll have to be brave ! but oh, the joy he gives in the act of hoping and awaiting our Savior’s return…

Carolyn Custis James has so much wisdom to share on theology. I love the way she talks about this joy :

“Joy on the far side of struggle makes perfect sense and matches all the evidence. But the joy I encountered didn’t have a leg to stand on, for it arrived ahead of schedule. The storm was still raging, none of my questions or prayers had been answered, my circumstances hadn’t changed at all. (…) Christian joy is more than a mood swing or a shift in hormone levels. Nor is it, as some have suggested, a choice or a duty to be happy, at least on the outside, even when we’re miserable inside. True joy springs irrepressibly from the heart and is always rooted in our theology. Which explains why joy can appear in the middle of a crisis and coexist with pain, brokenness, grief, or loneliness. Joy isn’t grounded in our circumstances; it is grounded in the unchanging character of God.”

I needed that reminder because my heart had forgotten how to feel for a moment. this brought memories of times I’ve been gifted with joy in reading scripture when I sadly just reaallly didn’t want to pick my bible up in the first place. you’ve been here too, right? I am quick to be content in my own thoughts (maybe my introversion makes it worse) and pretend I don’t need to recall truth. but when I do lean on my friendship with God and His character again, He is so faithful to give mid-race joy. it’s a cycle of unbelief and misplaced fear, where somehow Grace wins. every time.

in order to be transparent I have to share that my daily life has been overflowing with blessings. I want to share that even in the most abundant and “easy” seasons, my heart, too, forgets why I wake up everyday. like the Israelites, we won’t ever let go of that in this life – mankind is not “improving” or becoming more righteous apart from Christ. in kindness He continues to remind us of the gospel story.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.” Galatians 2:20-21

with that, onto the monthly update which includes much to be thankful for and reminds my weary heart that there is blessing to be had in seeking first the Kingdom !

3 weeks ago I visited hannah in florida, back in Clearwater where we met and where I remember my childhood. we both saved up and got to spend 10 days together ! it had been a year and 8 months since we were in person ! it will probably be our last long ish period of quality time before I move. it’s still amazing to me that we have such a genuine friendship – and it grew so much more than I thought it could in ten days even. I’ve written about this before, but I still think more and more that a lot of our trust in each other comes from being intentional and spending now half our friendship living thousands of miles apart. after getting to talk about it, it has challenged both of us to pray consistently, and also put our families first ! it’s sad that that’s something I had to learn, but refreshing that we can be transparent about the temptation to rely on only each other for happiness or a listening ear. that definitely comes with it, but if you’ve ever been blessed with a close friend you’ve probably been there for a season ! getting older and starting to go after big things feels the best chance to love on a sister in Christ by setting an example of hard work and attention to her struggles and passions. we did have the best laughs and sunshine time, though, and learned we still enjoy each others company. hahaha, I love you han 💛

we were also in agreement that after time off from work we were excited to actually go back ! and it was so sweet when a several “locals” mentioned missing me or not seeing me. when they realized I wasn’t joking about taking a vacation they told me they were proud of me and I deserved it 😂 so sweet.

quick Philippines update : I am going to buy my textbooks from a student ( and new friend ) that will be graduating and leaving rigth before I arrive ! it’s a blessing because that way they won’t have to be shipped. this might be lame to those who are years ahead of me in college but, so my future self can smile later, it feels so weird to be buying textbooks… for my school. which starts in 3 months. ahhh !

last weekend my grandparents flew me down to visit before I leave ! I got to enjoy such fruitful quality time and had the chance to glean muchhh wisdom & in-person advice ! I will hopefully have another post in a little while, but to say the least, I feel so loved and known after being with them. they are way too kind to me and have continued to show grace and blessing where they haven’t been shown enough love in return. I don’t know if they even know how much they mean to me. I can’t wait to share some more specifics of their advice for these next few months ! if you even have the slightest chance to be near your grandparents (or even just to tell them you love them), don’t waste it. wow do they have so much to give of themselves. we all probably need to do way better at listening and putting ourselves in front of wise counsel as kids and grandkids.

I don’t deserve these little blessings ! sometimes I am mistaken and think I do, but I am learning to pause more often to think about my place in the world and the freedom that is found in serving, even if in the smallest ways that don’t cost me personally. theology matters, because as complicated as I feel life is, my Creator’s character never changes. He has made it possible for joy to be unaffected by life happenings. more than that, He desires it to be found in his unchanging self.

as I go into this next week, I am praying and asking God to give me intentionality in my relationships, to make me bold at work, and to help me to focusss on the CLEP prep course I am taking. this has now become a second source of accountability -I already regret it but later I won’t. 😉

anyway, in a bit I’ll have a little longer of an update on my thoughts and prayer life about going onto the missions field, and probably a funding update.
thank you for being here. thank you for reading and for praying. thank you for being a voice of wisdom and encouragement in my life !

anna cherie