Do y’all remember the time when you had no concept of this season of time of this global… weirdness? *My attempt not to use the dreaded word that’s in every post and conversation lately. Well, I realized again this afternoon (it’s a weekly thought by now) that life just isn’t the same. An upperclassman and good friend here had an emotional moment as she was reflecting on the confusion and abnormal reality of the effects of this time. She (and 4 other third-year students) will leave the Philippines in just a few weeks – and there’s no way of knowing if life will regain any sense of normalcy before she leaves this sweet place.
I imagine we all find ourselves in some version of this scenario. It’s what we do as humans, I think… we plan. Regardless of culture, even. There’s this idea, even if not yet surfaced or ever to surface, that the pace of life and tasks we’re faced with will be manageable and to our liking.
Several things point me right to my fault in this area… little reality checks, almost. I’ve had a “blah” week of realizing my faults, my fleeting spirit. As grounded as I am in my head knowledge that Christ reigns, my human nature pulls away – Satan tugs on the selfish desires in such an enticing way that it amazes me. He’s so sneaky that the illusions catch me by surprise when I don’t anticipate them and ground myself in truth first.
I’m a bit burnt out. I’m feeling incredibly privileged in many ways, so excited to give and pour out, and yet burnt out. It’s partly a matter of the go and go-again pace of life right now, and partly a matter of not taking stock of the tools I’ve been given for this battle. Well… is it a battle? It is! There’s no visible weapons here (unless a limited stock of sterile gloves and sweaty protective suits count), but my housemates and I have worked this week to intentionally take it back to the truth of the matter: “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12) Not to be confused with battling those around us. Nope, not even the ones handling the precautionary measures and science research and statistics or the ones breaking or following the rules. And this applies even if we think we are given not enough or far too much restriction!
Maybe we don’t even need to discuss whether the governments are handling things to our satisfaction or standard? Maybe we don’t need to daily question the degree of danger we are in? I think, at least for me, I’ve got to reframe this all under the fact that there’s a real enemy who is after the glory that belongs to God alone. And here’s something, the only way he can take it from Him is by restraining our voices from singing His praise. Replacing delight with worry and chatter about quarantines and loss of recognition for how far we’ve come. Wow, I’m quite glad the Creator does not rely on my own motivation, remembrance, or strength in my flesh to lift my voice to Him.
“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.” Psalm 16:5-6, 9
Because He’s offered us free eternal hope of life with Him (“indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance”), my soul physically can’t help but delight in Him through thankfulness. I always write about this: how, the minute I take my eyes off of the sweet, sweet promise, the devil distracts me. Makes my throat tight, makes me stubborn about letting out tears or honesty, makes me give my time to speculation and complaints.
But there’s quite a bit more to be had here. I ought not to live for the happy moments – they don’t allow me to thrive during a rough stretch between two “good” weeks of success in my studies and gospel-loving or months of a pandemic… but they help me to look to the supplier of peace. I’m not left to muster up patience, or endurance for that matter, on my own.
Back to being burnt out… I think I’ve identified that it’s okay for me to notice this and acknowledge it without being dramatic. Clinic functions are currently at such a high with more patients than I think any of us realized we could handle this way (I mentioned this in my last newsletter). My experience here just jumped up in pace and intensity by 1000º all at once, it seemed. There’s an urgency to be alert and ready to repeat what I’ve been shown, albeit from myself a majority of the time. That’s a huge contributor to my distractions, the continuous, fast-paced need to grow and learn! (but I should add one of the biggest unexpected opportunities, too.)
I have to be honest, I’ve made a quite a few mistakes this week (thankfully mild) and OH my, my character has not proven to handle them well. In the moment, sure, but when I come home in the afternoon… it consumes my thoughts. What does she think? Why did my brain just choose to fail me, I truly knew that management. The next time I go to do this – great, I’ll probably have to face it tomorrow – is it gonna feel like the world is ending? I’m serious! It’s quite flimsy of me. And then I go to sleep and I dream ALL. NIGHT. About BIRTH and only birth. Old friends who are suddenly expecting, replays of my handles from the week, trying to figure out due dates with weird ultrasounds… Where do these come from?? 🙂 It’s interesting how most of the repercussions come internally right now. Almost mocking my study of the invisible battle. Self-critiques and things that don’t resolve until I take action to resolve them. And it isn’t always the usual suspected “just talk about it” resolve – in any case, identifying the hold it has on me and how it’s being used against spread of Christ’s love reminds me to look to the tools I’ve been given for defense. Pity parties without a plan to move forward inhibit my ability to worship.
My distrust is exposed when I give in to the lie that I’m becoming empty. I miss out on little smiles between my coworkers and their patients, whisper-chats between a new dad and his little girl, the ability to communicate well and in sisterly love with the oncoming shift during endorsement of labor time.
I listened to this sermon a few weeks back on Psalm 37. What stirs my affections for Christ? What removes them or blurs them? I’m only fueling my own anxiety by forgetting my present (and future) inheritance! “But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace.” (Psalm 37:11) I think the biggest downfall here is that forgetting my own lot (and Who holds it) subsequently causes me to forget others’. And then I’m really at a loss for pouring out.
I think it’s interesting to find in the same sentence a pleading from Paul (in Eph 1:17-21) that the Church would know both “the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints” and “the power toward us who believe…” They go hand in hand, knowing the hope we have, and taking up the powerful defense against fatigue that He’s supplied us with through the cross. The battle “here below” directly translates to the more important spiritual one. I’m still working to identify specific hints that cue me as to how I can gracefully pour out. The biggest factor is the power of Christ who does the pouring-in. Acknowledging that He’ll be with me always (like He promised the disciples literally just before He left them physically) somehow is a motivation that springs me toward outward service without chronic fatigue.
Please pray this week for refreshment of the Spirit, to both know the hope to which He’s called, and to realize and utilize the power that’s been transferred to us at Salvation. Pray against physical and spiritual fatigue that’s so tempting to let settle in. (Sometimes sulking or imagining how ourselves or others could perform better appears more restful than actual peace of growth and sanctification…) Is the enemy just inviting himself in and sitting comfy next to you? Taking up your afternoons as if he’s a pal? Convincing you that “normal” was so much better than the present hope you still possess? Time to kick him out again.
Here’s a few wallpapers I made for you to use, a reminder that the parts about life we can’t seem to put a finger on are yet not dark or confusing to the Light Himself. Thank you for reading along and partnering with me in prayer for love to be abundant!
lots of love,
anna cherie