final preparations for leaving the US

full disclosure: meeting my classmates at the airport and socializing took up all the layover time I thought I’d use to post… and I’m not mad about it at alll – but it means a delay for you all 🙂 can’t wait to share in real-time when I get my feet under me! I’ve loved reading back on my thoughts from last week…

// well, I am sitting here with pretty much one thing on my mind: moving across the country in 1 week. it’s hard to believe that it’s almost time, even though to you it may seem that it’s all I talk about! so sorry. but it might not surprise you in that sense, though, that it’s really what takes up my thoughts most days. it wasn’t always that way, though. 

the second week of august really marked transition for me when I finished my job. I headed to Florida to visit my other grandparents and best friend, and have been spending more intentional quality time with family. it was really the beginning of last week that took me by surprise and made my leaving feel real… it caught me off guard when I started to feel true anxiousness – I’ve definitely felt anxious up until now, but this weekend it was more specific to all the change I’m about to experience. up until then, I guess it felt like I was planning it for someone else? 

it’s a weird balance in processing as both something that’s out of the ordinary, yet something I know God has placed before me to be obedient in. I almost can’t believe how generous He is that He would put something before me so… grand? I guess I don’t even know how to put it into words. and it’s hard to believe that before I know it, it won’t seem like such a big thing.

as I put together my last big to-do list to make sure I don’t forget anything, I want to be careful to be sensitive to the whole picture of this change in my life. of most importance, how am I to give God glory in each moment? and second to that, how am I to love others well and be selfless when it’s most tempting to be selfish? 

my biggest struggle right now might be in staying focused on leaving well, and arriving with a prepared heart. I have all these things I want to do for me, but I don’t want to miss out on serving others – my family, my supporters, neighbors… and now I’ve identified a recurring heart issue throughout my young adult years. ouch. there is some truth to needing to focus on me at times (I do have to pack and clean and raise funds and make payments and diligently study scripture), but I know that God makes it possible to be others-focused in each of those things as well. it’s just a matter of ordering priorities with discernment, and not letting them stress me out in an effort to do that.

I had the chance to share my testimony to a group of women last week, and let me just say, it terrified me. I had a day of anxiousness and stress (to put it lightly, I am not into public speaking) and I let the fear of expectation and critique and “perfection” get to me. and not only “get to me,” but I recognized a selfish character issue. *writing out notes for sharing the things God has done in my life and having an anxious heart do not go hand in hand : ) * because I have very high standards for myself, I know that nervousness will probably always be present for me, but it was beyond that. I had to ask for forgiveness from my fam and a couple of friends I had vented to. vulnerable moment: I sought God in prayer and just asked Him to honestly show me why I wasn’t viewing my testimony with excitement to share His grace and joy in this next season of my life… 

I had lost sight of God’s redemption plan. I had made it about myself, instead, and focused on the task of being polished and “consistent” with my personality and identity and even making an impression on someone who might listen. But the Lord was not concerned with that – I was asked in wisdom for reasons much outside my capacity to understand. looking back, I may not even see how it was/ will be used, but I am still called to be obedient and speak in grace and give credit to God’s goodness when asked. 

having said all that and hyped up my drama, it was such an honor to share and to my surprise I actually chose that moment to process the reality of all I’m about to embark on; which meant lots and lots and lots of tears. I stepped up to the mic (sounded like a nightmare scenario to me two days ago) and out came the emotions. I guess as soon as I officially went to share my heart for serving and being obedient, I realized how God actually wanted me to feel about Him and the weight of what he calls us to in this life. that sounds dramatic, but there was something about speaking to real people that reminded me that life is about relationships – and that I don’t deserve that personally with my creator. I realized how intensely I feel for the gospel and the weight of it’s redemption.

for the record, yes, I was so embarrassed about not being able to pull myself together to talk for a few mins, but what are you gonna do? sometimes it just hits. and from a wise person whom I know loves me much (you know you are), most likely, not one person was wondering why I wasn’t more polished or perfect. God has used (and uses) others to embolden those around us, just like He’s graciously done for me. who was I to think so well of myself that I couldn’t let down my walls and let others see the ways God has convicted and redeemed me? 

I praise Him for His grace, and the recurring theme of His victory and sovereignty in each embarrassing, prideful moment of mine. AND for His power to gracefully take me down off of the ironic pedestal of my mind. does that ever happen to you, that in trying to be invisible and meek you end up convincing yourself you’re actually like, awesome or something? no? okay, me neither. I was just asking for a friend.

sarcasm aside, I am really grateful for the conviction of my seemingly-noble yet yet damaging and anxiety-inducing inward thoughts – and I hope I won’t soon forget the effect that perfectionism in presentation can have on my witness. 

I’ll soon be experiencing this daily most-likely… I will be updating so soon on new opportunities. I’ll have to carry myself in a manner that looks to eternity with sincerity and reverence, and in doing so paints a picture of honest humility and thankfulness for it as a gift. my mind goes to tons of examples of how this might come about – it intimidates me because each day even now in the comfort of familiarity I see how I fall short, and I’m afraid to experience it “in public,” with new people and new expectations… but I am already setting my hope on God’s grace and recalling the ways He’s been patient with me when I straight-up miss the point. 

it’s easy for me to think that He doesn’t want to be involved in the little things, even that He’s just patiently waiting while I get myself collected and reclaim my bruised pride – but even then, He wants to be the one to walk me through it. that still surprises me when I see His hand in the little mundane details throughout scripture… like what? but I read them and I am in awe and I hold onto them as pieces of endurance for my “pilgrimage” ahead. 

how do you face expectations ahead? or the prospect of a task that requires you to give attention to the present and the looming future? 

p.s.  2 days until I leave, 2 days of travel from there, 2.5 years of service and growth for the Kingdom. newsletter no. 2 coming soon ! thank you for reading and supporting me in faith… 

anna cherie