here we are in October. already. don’t get me wrong, I love changing seasons and the start of a new month – it feels like permission to start over, just like a new week or a new year. the downside, as I’m sure you can relate, is the fact that it’s also such a convicting time. it’s a little reminder that I’m not perfect, that I haven’t completed the goals I set for myself. it’s a reminder that even though I made plans at the beginning of last month, I didn’t have the strength or grit or determination (whatever you like to call it) to complete it on my own…
today I let that push me down when I woke up. it’s a day off for me, and while I’m getting some things done now, I’ll admit that before I started I had a bad attitude. I believed the lie that it wouldn’t be worth it to try, simply because “it” didn’t work last time. the thing is, I have no idea if I will get these thoughts fully written and proofed enough to be readable, much less posted on the web today. but I’m still going to try.
this week in particular I’ve been in my head quite a bit because I’ve been struggling with a situation that’s giving me anxiety. I feel it looming over me until something distracts me enough that I forget for a moment. but the minute I remember, it’s like a storm in my head that leads to an afternoon with no motivation, and a desire to soothe my emotions with entertainment (hey, Netflix cooking shows) and other helpless things.
I say all this to explain what my last few months have been like since my last post. I usually work the morning shift which means I’m out the door before sunrise, then I get home in the early afternoon – this is a huge huge comfort and blessing for me because in the first couple weeks of working full time it felt like my day was just consumed by it and I was moving through the week with no purpose. I still have those days, but a little perspective has helped quite a bit. if I plan well, I’m able to have a long bible study time and dinner with the family, but other times I fall right back into the habit of sitting around or reading or watching a hallmark movie until it’s time for sleep again. family time and free time are not bad for me ! especially with family events and church events and extra work shifts thrown in. but, they definitely can be harmful when I take them for granted and let them soothe my emotional hurting.
anyway ,, that is a short summary of what has taken from my months with no writing. though I’ve been growing, putting money into savings, and making spiritual investments in my future, I’ve still been distracted and it has left me feeling unaccomplished.
how do I break this cycle, though, knowing that I can’t “will myself” into action? what does it mean to be submitted to the will of God? how do I take action steps for these “plans for my future” under His authority? I get myself into trouble asking these questions, but that’s exactly why I want to share them “in public” – for accountability. if I am going to ask for emotional and financial support, the best place I can start is from a place of humility and honesty. it is not my goal to glorify my issues, but rather to be open to talk about them and seek resolution.
what are some things that you try to fill emotional gaps with? how are you called back into walking in truth? how can you and I encourage each other to use our downtime and rest to be energetic and accomplish the tasks we plan at the beginning of every month, week, and year?
I’m starting over (again) with this habit tracker that I made a few months ago. I used it and started some good habits throughout July and August, but after a road trip last month I totally forgot about it. I know that it could be seen as trendy and worthless, but to me it did help to have a rhythm and something I could check off.
it almost reminds me of the concept in Luke 16 on ownership of money. Jesus taught, “He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a little thing is unrighteous also in much. If therefore you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous riches, who will entrust the true riches to you?” (Luke 16:11) read it a couple times. is it just me or did you get the desire to be entrusted to “true riches” ? for some reason is just jumps out at me. not because I want to be in charge or have control, but because it almost perfectly puts to words my heart for serving the Lord. the fact that He gives me the chance to be entrusted to something is a humbling honor… and it gives me action steps the make sense to me to work toward this, not some vague idea of what to go after.
I won’t even question why we struggle with this so much, I’m just going to put the link here to download the habit tracker I made in case this calls to you – this obstacle of being “faithful in a very little thing”.
Horizontal Habit Tracker OR Vertical Habit Tracker
If you’d like, I think it would be wise to pray for each other in our (likey long) journey to breaking through our tendency to live in mundanity and dissatisfaction with any “free time” we receive. I’d love to join you if you want to send me a message using the – contact me – page at the top there !
I am going to bed hopeful tonight because, “His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…” Lam 3:22b-23a
anna cherie